Well I been here before, sat on the floor in a gray gray mood

All i got is a bit of gray tune. not all hope is lost. school could begin anytime. but sometimes the world just turns gray.

Week 3 of strike begins next week. I've been here what? 7months and a couple weeks, check the turtle at the top. I've worked at the job I came to do for 4 weeks. 4.

My heart feels torn in two. Do i stay and hope? Or do i go home to people I love and (possibly) a job in a school that really needs me?

I know i'm worth more than what i'm doing here. i know that thomas is more important than sitting around waiting for a jacked up education system to MAYBE right itself so i can do something. but letting go of a dream and tossing aside a passion that led you to leave all you knew and loved is probably the most difficult thing i've ever been faced with.

ya pride is some of it. quitting, ugh. giving up? these are not words i am used to uttering. i've never quit anything...i've never given up half way through. but it seems that all the available evidence says to abandon ship.

i guess i know what it's like to be the captain of a doomed ship, to lead a labor of love, and as it sinks you just can't bring yourself to leave. you can't pull your feet from the deck because part of your soul lies within the very wood and steel that make up the boat.

so. i'm waiting. i'm waiting because i can't tear myself away, because i sacrificed so much with such high hopes. it hasn't been a complete failure; i've had some brilliant shining moments, but thats probably why this is so hard. i want more than anything to lay this down and run to thomas and my family and a new job but it takes time to complete the messy, incomplete, and impossible job of extracting your soul from your passion.

so family, thomas....patience please. i just need to make sure it's lost. i need to stay a while just in case she rights herself